Everyone seems to be crying their hearts out on Facebook.
We get it. You’ve gone from an “In a Relationship” status to being “Single.” It’s not like I haven’t gone through the pain of going through a breakup myself. Trust me. I know what you’re going through. And my friends can attest to that, too.
Oh, the lonely nights when everyone else seems to have fallen asleep and you couldn’t because you’re lying there in the dark thinking about what he must be doing right now? I’ve had those nights myself, and a lot of those, if I remember right. And the literal twisting of your insides when you think about how he could have done this to you after all his promises? I know that feeling too. What about the temporary high you get when you go out with your bestest girlfriends then the succeeding dive-plunge-crash your spirits take the moment you are alone? I know I’ve taken a lot of nose-diving myself. Oh, oh, oh! And the incessant pleading to his family to tell him how much you loved him? Repulsive, I know, but I did all that and more.
Breaking up with a boyfriend seems to be one of the hardest experiences a girl can have. Minus the ones who were never really serious about him in the first place. It’s a wonder why many of us are able to let the broken pieces go and move on with our own lives. But it happens. We have moved on. And sooner or later, you will too, as long as you allow yourself to move on.
In the meantime, however, what do you do with all this heartache? All the tears and the crying and the screaming inside and self-pitying? What do you do with your life right after you have broken up? I’m no expert on relationships, really, if by expert you mean having a Ph.d. in psychology. But I’ve experienced it myself and, a lot of times, I feel for those girls on Facebook who can’t stop posting about how they miss him and all that. I know I’ve posted my fair share of breakup statuses in the past. It’s disgusting, if I think about it now, that I have ever felt so much love and admiration for a person who doesn’t even know how much I am worth. Then again, that’s because my ex is an asshole. Not everyone’s exes are assholes, I agree. But everyone’s gotta move on one way or another. Here’s what I did—and it’s in no particular order.
For boys, crying is a sign of weakness. For girls, it’s how we let it out. Crying was especially helpful for me in the first few weeks after the breakup. It didn’t mean I was weak. It meant I was strong enough to acknowledge that I was hurt. I cried during the nights and I cried every time one of my friends would bring it up. I know I’m sounding so much like a crybaby, but it doesn’t all end with crying. I know crying too much is bad for you, too. So I decided that I have to stop sulking and do things I need to do.
I got drunk.
No, no, no! I’m not saying you should waste your money on liver damage, too. And besides, alcohol is bad for the skin. It’s just that, when you get drunk, and I know a lot of people will agree with me, you get to say a lot of crazy but true unsaid things that you would otherwise be too embarrassed to say when you’re sober. So crying did not let it all out for me, getting drunk did. Because then I got to hear from my own mouth the ugly truth that I always wanted to mask when I was sober. Just one thing, though, if you want to get drunk, and I’m sure a lot of people will, get drunk with friends. They’ll be there to listen to your seemingly never-ending litany of pain and hurt. And, when you’re sober, you’ll be glad someone else was there to help you stand up when you couldn’t, or at least get crazy drunk with you.
Unfortunately, much as I would have liked to get drunk forever, I knew that it wasn’t the ultimate solution to the breakup. Letting all your feelings out is okay; drowning yourself in misery and alcohol is not. So I decided I had to start letting things go, but how? As an Internet junkie myself I—you wouldn’t believe this—I asked Google. And sure enough (or not, if you think Google doesn’t have the answers to all questions about life), I found some answers. Not all of them, but some that really helped. Here’s what.
I went out with friends, all the time.
It’s amazing how an army of your girl best friends can be so helpful after a breakup. They’d shop with you, eat with you, watch movies with you, and just hang around with you anytime they can. They’d be there to remind you that not everything in life is about your ex-boyfriend, without you having to talk about him at all. When I was struggling post-breakup, my friends made things a lot easier by literally dragging me out of the house. We’d go someplace new, do things I’ve never done before. We even had themes for girls’ days out. Monday was Desserts Day (We’d buy them or make our own, whichever we felt like doing that Monday.), Tuesday was International Day (We’d try out new cuisines from other countries.), Wednesday was Nature Day (We’d go hike, walk, swim, etc.), and so on. Before long, I started looking forward to everyday I’d spend with my friends and I didn’t miss the cry-pillow I used to hug and pretend it was my ex.
I got a new hairstyle.
Seriously? A whole new hairstyle can do wonders to your attitude about yourself. Us girls hold such high regard for our hair. We may love it or hate it, but, most of the time, we would never do anything so drastic to it. When something happens to our hair, we treat it like our entire lives have changed. So that’s what I did. I changed my hair. Because my life has got to change. Because the bad things have got to go. And my big, bad, unruly hair was the ultimate symbol of my big, bad, unruly breakup. I had it chopped. I got bangs. I had it colored. I had it straightened. The result? Something entirely different. It was still me, but I was different. The transformation had begun. Whoever said your physical appearance didn’t matter must have been probably too busy being jealous of the women around her that she didn’t find the time to start taking care of herself. I felt prettier. Because I was. And that boosted my confidence a lot.
I began to meditate.
Before you begin, let me tell you that meditation is not some New Age bangle about floating off into thin air and seeing things that aren’t really there. Well, okay, I don’t believe that’s not possible, but meditation is real. For those of you who equate real with scientifically proven, then meditation is real. Doctors tell their patients to meditate because it eases up the stress. A lot. And this leads to so many health benefits, like prevention of heart diseases, cancers, mental disorders, etc. if there was one thing that really, truly, greatly helped me a lot in dealing with my heartbreak, it was meditation. It helped me clear my mind and find answers to the questions I always asked.
Okay, so how do you meditate? It’s simple. Find a place where you know you will not be disturbed. It can be the beach, a forest, on top of a hill, or just plainly, your own bedroom. You can set it up for a more relaxing atmosphere, if you please. Turn off the lights, light up some scented candles, bring in some flowers, or if it’s relaxing enough then it’s okay if you don’t do anything. Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Breathe deeply and slowly and focus on your breath. Be aware of every little thing that has to do with your breath. Each inhalation, each exhalation. The pause between inhaling and exhaling. The rise and fall of each breath. Thoughts will begin to appear in your head. In my case, they begin to talk. They still do after a year of meditating. But it’s important that you do not follow your thoughts. Let them be there, but do not focus on them. Always, always, always go back to the rise and fall of your breath. Do this everyday for 10 minutes each day. You’ll be surprised at how much lighter you feel after each meditation session, but it takes a long while to know that the effects of meditation last a lifetime.
I confronted the situation.
This is not for everybody. This is for those who were dumped, just like me. When breaking up is a mutual decision, it’s most likely you and your ex have talked things through before going your separate ways. In some cases, though, where men are just too cowardly to break the girl’s heart to their faces, they simply break it up through text, or a phone call that you paid for, or email. And the girl is left behind in the dark, not knowing what just happened or why it happened. So I decided to leave the speculating behind and take matters into my own hand. If your ex is just like mine, he’ll make up excuses and little lies. He won’t tell you straight to the point why he broke up with you. At times, he’ll even turn the story around telling you it was you who dumped him, that arrogant little narcissist. But more about that in later posts. So I did some little snooping around and finally found out he had another girl. I didn’t need to ask him anymore. I knew. And that, somehow, changed how I saw him. He was no longer the honest, loyal, loving man I thought he was. He was now a sneaky little liar who was too afraid to tell things to my face. And seeing him for what he really is allowed me to move on.
I decided to move on.
Yes. Contrary to what you think, moving on is as easy as that. I read somewhere that time doesn’t heal your wounds, you do. It only depends on you on how much time you want to take up. The moment I saw my ex for what he really was, I decided to go. So it’s up to you when you’re going to decide to move on. It only takes a single powerful determined thought to do it. Mine was, This is it. I’m done. And I really was. I had felt as though it had been years after the breakup, as though my ex had been so far away in time already. So what did I do with my life after that decision? I did what I always did. I went out with friends, read my books, I worked hard for my money, I spent time with my family, and eventually I decided to go back to school. And I stopped looking for men who could replace my ex-boyfriend. Surprisingly, the “replacement” had been there all along. I had known him before, but I didn’t pay too much attention to him because I was just too caught up in my own delusional feelings for my ex. It’s true that it’s when you stop trying so hard that things become a whole lot easier for you. Now I’ve grown and am finally moving on and on and on each day. And the “replacement” has become more than just a replacement. He’s so much more now. And he’s helped me see that my life has become even more beautiful.
I’ve long stopped trying to get drunk and now only cry at sad movies, but I still continue to go out with my friends, try out new things once in a while, and meditate. I figured doing these things make my life a whole lot better, so I’m not letting them go, even long after the breakup.